Here we come...for better or worse!

Tonight Kinsey and I leave for our "Race Across Florida". AKA...The Ragnar. Coast to coast, 12 runners, three legs each, 36 hours, 200 miles. We are running with 10 other ladies from church and our team is called "Chicks that Race", or CTR. I'm so glad that Kinsey is going with us. She is filling in for a girl that got injured, and won't even be in my "van", but I know she will have a great experience. She will probably run the pants off of all of us.

A year ago a bunch of friends and I had heard about this race and figured we might do it this year. At the time, I was just coming off of doing 4 triathlons, I felt great, and I figured this race would be no problem. Now, as I contemplate the reality that I will be running a total of 16 miles in a very short period of time, I feel a sense of panic. No...not because I have not trained. Not because I am not prepared (I have been running all year, usually an average of at least 20 miles a week). What I am worried about has to with some sort of medical issue I have been having with my body this year. No matter how hard I train, or how hard I try, it is harder and harder for me to run. I feel so much pain and tightness in my legs. Kind of like chronic muscle fatigue. I felt it coming on the beginning of the year, and as the year progressed, it has gotten worse and worse. So a year ago I had a body that could easily do triathlons, run long distances, and function the way I wanted...and now...every time I run, it feels as if I am in someone else's body. As if I am running in a body that is completely foreign to exercise. EVERY DAY! It never gets better. So my work-outs consist of so much mental power to simply get through a run. I know it sounds CRAZY that I continue to work-out, but to me it would be even more frustrating to give something up that helps me so much. I have worked out 5 -6 days a week for 19 years, and I think insanity would set in if I had to stop.

As we signed up for this race in the summer and I started training specifically, I still had hope that I would be feeling better by now. I had no idea that my condition would have worsened. I have sought medical attention and had tests done, but they only show a bit of anemia, which should not be doing this to me. The diagnosis may have something to do with stress. This has been one of the hardest years for our family, for many reasons. Dealing with the loss of John's job is something that eats at every aspect of our lives, yet we have to go on living and raising our children and filling our responsibilities. The stress may be manifesting itself in my body by "shutting down" when I exercise. Yet ironically, that leads to another loss for me. Loss of my physical abilities. I have learned through this that we should never take our bodies for granted. I am so thankful for a healthy body, that can still push through a work-out, that can still play with my children, and can function normally, even if it is with some pain. But for the moment, I have lost the ability to feel good when exercising, my ability to train and improve, my ability to push myself and achieve a physical goal. I can push all I want, but my body does not cooperate.

And yes, it may seem crazy that I am going ahead and doing this race, but as things got worse this past month, it was just too late to let my team down. Hard to find a replacement. During my training, I would have glimpses of the way I used to feel, and I always had hope that things would get better. I can run the distances, but just with a great amount of pain. Our race course keeps changing, and though I chose very short distances initially, a month ago an 8 mile leg was thrown into the mix, along with my 4 and 3 mile legs. I was able to run 8 miles last week (it was truly a miracle) and so I am going to try, but since then, even three miles has been extremely painful, so we will see how it all works out. My teammates are patient and understanding, and some of them have their own issues to deal with.

I know this post was kind of long and not really on the uplifting side of things, but I just felt I needed to record what I am going through right now, so that in the future I can see that I always need to be thankful for what I have. Our lives can change at any moment. I am thankful for the years of a strong body where I could work and achieve my physical goals, and maybe I will be back there again soon, but for now, I am just thankful that I still have two legs (painful as they may be), to run this race (or walk...we will see) with good friends and my sweet daughter. The sense of sisterhood and support is so strong with this group, and I know that we will help each other along.

Clearwater to Daytona...here we come. For better or worse! Stay tuned for details.